I am a dancing cloud that no one will ever catch an island I have made entirely for myself. Coconut ice cream and dagger seas. You can join in the foot pattern or merely observe from your plane passing by. But I will never leave I will not forsake this bird of my soul that has nested so deep inside that she can’t be caught or tamed. I am a dark fire ball that has landed to amaze and bring you warmth but I will not be dampened nor will I ever be explained. No one knows where I had come from or if I will keep digging deep into the soil that can’t keep me still. I vibrate red, an eternal flame that shatters mirrors and tears walls. I am the open air the rolling of the rocks that fall as you kick them down the mountain. Once I am moved I will keep moving not because I do not want to be where I was but to go where I know I’m supposed to go. And where is that? I don’t know. I am a mere contradiction that carves my own definition in to the tree of life. No words or iron clad fists can nail me. For I don’t even know my purpose but I know what I am. I am free and like this bird who is deep in my chest as I push off this mortal coil I will inhabit the nearest star and burn it up as bright as the noon day sky so that every single cell in this universe has a piece of what I was. Nothing but pure and unending desire passion and love that can be felt in the bones of your toes and the cells on the tip of your tongue. Taste with your heart, feel with your mind, and love with every inch of who you are and then you can see what it is to truly be me.
Her heart was heavy, but she knew her heart was good, kind. For she had soft-spoken attributes. Polite and serene, one could mistaken her as shy. She was that, but she screamed thoughts. Her opinions were thick with passion’s rich flavor. She felt so much. Sometimes too much. Which is why I push people away, she punched herself in her mind over and over again with that thought. Tis a funny thing, those who claim to want honesty, full disclosure of thoughts and feelings get to easily turned off by those who leave nothing hidden.
To her, this was her curse and blessing. Her love was not like anyone’s or anything’s. She was a restless soul, never feeling sated always on the path to discovery, she always felt destined that maybe in this mortal coil she was supposed to accomplish something monumental. But what? A tug-o-war of satisfaction and depression left her feeling confused, always this sense of want and need. Will it ever be filled?
Her car was her sanctuary, the getaway to the world of possibilities. Yet she say there in a random store’s parking lot waiting for what? An epiphany? Prince Charming? She always set out to do something, never accomplishing. Ironic how the one thing she thought she longed for caused her great anxiety, people and interacting with them.
She enjoyed banter, affection, physical attraction, and flirtations. Only increasingly when she had been drinking. Anxiety can be crippling, ticks and strange habits were her soul’s only rest from it. But getting a handle on them was always a chore, “I’m getting too old for this,” she muttered to herself. Next year’s coming would inevitably lead to her 30th birthday. Having such a young soul, she knew this could only spell doom.
Another missed call? From who? She wondered. Her anxiety was high. The highest it had been in decades. Am I supposed to feel this? This ever growing constancy of meaningless butterflies? Wish they would come when it mattered. A brief heartburn pain could be mistaken as love’s first knock. “Crap!” She said out loud to her droning car’s air conditioner, the only company she deemed worthy or rather accepting of her ever growing nervousness. “God I need real company. This talking to myself crap has gotta stop.”
With a sudden flick of her wrist she turned the ignition off. Even shocking herself at her minuscule impulsiveness. Ok girl, you’re just gonna go into Target and look around. Maybe start up a conversation with the cashier. Shouldn’t be too much to handle.
She knew she had been spending too much time in her comfort zone since being out of school and having no job. Time was all she had lately. Now was the time to slowly start introducing herself back into society. Back to life, back to reality, she sang in her head humorously.
Her hands filled with adrenaline, shooting tingles like sand dripping from her fingers. Her body felt light and heavy all at once. Breathing yet again needed to be a conscious effort. Not too much, but not too little. Trying to push back the thought of what if she was breathing too little, when in fact she could’ve been breathing too much. What if I’m hyperventilating and don’t know it? She felt a sudden panic at the thought. Another voice she found telling her to relax. You know who you are be confident….people will know. And then crept in Miss Degrading, People will judge you and your nervousness. They’ll think something is wrong with you, don’t breathe too loud……(to be cont.)
*Note: Just a sample of the current short story series I am writing. I will be covering different emotions, feelings, habits, sinful delights. Just different things all based off human emotions. This is very close to my heart being a sufferer of an Anxiety/Panic disorder this is something I deal with on a daily hourly basis, ever since the age of 15. This has been my life. I hope to bring awareness and little more understanding of what a person like me goes through, step by step. If you are a sufferer and would like me to add anything (do note it is not finished) let me know and I’ll definitely take it in to consideration.
Love of love and happiness, till next time
Puckered lips, they always burn in the light.
Driving grip, you hold his hand tight.
He always loved the ocean, the whispering waves.
The shells, the tide pools, and the caves.
Sitting on shore, you watched beckoning for glances.
This was one of those soul stirring romances,
The kind that would take your breath and never give it back
The kind that would coo your spirits and give you a heart attack.
Your spirit was a warm effervescent candle of kindness and love,
His was blue and cold like the oceans crashing below or the airy sky above.
In each others eyes there would always be a pool of satisfaction
But just like the universe there will always be a positive and negative reaction.
It will toy with your emotions and cause you doubt
Make you feel uneasy and wanting to run about
But it will also be freeing like an endless road to anywhere
A feeling of want and need and yet a feeling you can fly everywhere.
You are the two poles the north and the south,
the migration and the hearth.
The desire for more and the desire to stay,
The desire for stillness and the desire for play.
So you sit there and watch him as he walks away,
A cloud you could never catch but would just as breathe anyway.
Clouds never stay, better to save the rain for a sunny day.
Sitting at my secretary, everything, the madness, seems arbitrary. (If it Rhymes it MUST be true). Lately it seems that everything has been spinning and spinning, with no signs of stopping. Hard to get a handle on things, let alone see straight. But now I take moments like this to just sit down and just be. Just being is incredibly important to full mental clarity, and lately I believe I’m beginning to understand exactly what that means.
Take today for an example. Last night I took it upon myself to map out my day today, from my very “morning routine” to even posting this blog, and my meditation tonight before bed. (Meditation Monday? haha). Waking up today knowing I had exact plans for myself, no matter how small they may seem, gave me purpose today and I actually got a lot done. Crazy how just a simple thing like a planner could have a profound impact on ones day-to-day life.
I have practically accomplished every, single, thing on my list. Maybe in my actual life with the bigger and much more outstanding goals, planning may not be such a bad thing after all.
I have always been the kind that likes to organize, to keep things tidy (sometimes), so I feel like I have clarity. But if I don’t take a conscious effort on the side to really talk to myself about what it is I NEED to accomplish, it may never get done.
So I’m writing today because, indeed, it was in my planner to do so, but I am also writing to encourage everyone to take the time to reflect on the day you had and the day you WANT to have tomorrow. Write it down, and believe me if you write it down it will be real, and you will accomplish what it is you need to accomplish. Better for you, for your mind, and for your life.
“Fearing the lonesome
grabbing what you can,
Better to be
suffocated then breathe empty air.”
– Danielle McHale >*<
tis another day, just like all the other days that have been laid before it.
As the days progress it gets harder and harder to fully realize my own potential. Even though I am quite sure of myself and the things I want to accomplish. Sooooooo like I have always tried to, I will attempt to post regularly on this blog.
Maniacal Mondays: Free writing nonsensical nonsense.
Poetry/Short Story tuesdays: Nothing too catchy about this one just trying to stretch my creative legs.
Fashion Fridays: Current Outfit for the day and a little description about how it make me feel.
Shenanigans Saturday: Usually write based off a prompt…usually lol
So hopefully this will all help me organize myself and set a schedule for me to follow.
I really am looking forward to actually posting stuff on this website and contributing to my creative ways, which desperately need some help, I’m in a bit of a pickle.
But hope you all are having a super fantastic week, with love, laughter, and light.
Tis been a hot minute since the last time I posted a free flowing thought on this blog. However, lately, under the circumstances, I have been having quite a lot of down time, thinking time, and boredom time.
Since Saturday I have been under the weather, which upon first thought I blamed on the seasonal changes. The strange warm weather, bringing in out of the ordinary thunderstorms and rain, letting the weeds expound their seeds into the air. Normally a little hay fever would be of little consequence to my well being, but then as time progressed I then realized, dang nabbit, this is a freaking cold.
So yes I am indeed sick. Sniffling, coughing, hocking all sorts of things up, attempting to eat food and feeling incredibly depressed that I can’t taste it.
Who knew that the major reason why I eat is for the taste/ pleasure of it rather than the essential nutrients obtained by it. Which is another thing I have been struggling with lately. My weight.
Since I had been taking care of my parent’s residents and pup whilst they were away taking care of some family matters, I had endured a diet of mostly veggies for about a month. Only to then lose 6 pounds. Now to some this may seem not such a big deal, 10 pounds would be something to marvel at, but 6 pounds for me (on purpose) is quite a feat. Not meaning to toot my own horn but dieting has never been my strongest suit. I love food. Not really to cook it but eating it is soooooooooo my cup of tea.
Even working out lately has been a chore. I was enjoying my little routine I had established for myself, Mondays would be my “Muscle Mondays” do some cardio, come inside do some weight lifting, and then some yoga to finish it off, wednesdays would be my “Walking Wednesdays” where I would go somewhere like a park or a beautiful place and just walk, and of course Fridays, “Fitness Fridays” mostly exclusively for Tennis. My sport of choice. Really the ONLY sport I am partially ok at.
But then, ya know, life happens. Get sick, have too much to take care of at home, womanly issues out of the blue, lazy, etc. there were always excuses. And today is no different. Didn’t work out, womanly issues and I’m sick as a dog (never understood that expression, “Sick as a dog” are dogs always sick or when a dog is sick they are reeeeeally sick? hmmmm).
Just have to push on and see the sun rays through the haze. Its been a trying couple of days but I know once I am through this sickness I am going to make the most of my health and get going with my life. So many things I need to get accomplished, sometimes it takes being forced to be on your butt to really see what needs to get done and how to do it. Posting on this blog is definitely one of those things I really want to start doing more. So here’s to good luck and getting over this stupid cold, and for not being lazy anymore. I can do it.
Peace love and happiness,
Dressing up for tee, on a casual Friday afternoon. You feel confident in who you are and you let your sense of humor show.
Bra~ Ella by Aerie
Socks~ Lilo and stitch Socks from Hot Topic
Top~ “You Must Be Kitten Me”By Project Social T from Urban Outfitters
Bottom~ lace skirt by Charlotte Russe
Outerwear~ Cardigan by Ann Taylor Thrifted
Shoes~ wrap up sandals by Qupid
Hat~ RorroMarro from Anthropologie
Sunglasses~ Black wayfarers from Aerie
Jewelry~ beads from Target
Perfume~ She Knew He Was Forever from Anthroplogie
Lipstick/gloss~ Rouge Volupté Shine 7 by YSL
Bag~ purse backpack by Merona from Target
In The Garden, where the peonies grow. I take my stroll. Today I am reminded to take it slow. To let the sun embrace my skin. To take a deep breath and let the fresh air in. As simple as it can be to do, it’s not just the big moments but the little ones that matter too.
Bra~ Sunnie Push-up Aerie
Panties~ Cheeky Aerie
Socks~ Roaming Buffalo Target
Top~ Cloth & Stone Anthropologie
Bottom~ Elevenses Anthropologie
Outerwear~ Forever 21
Shoes~ Vagabond Shoemakers Urban Outfitters
Hat~ Ecoté Urban Outfitters
Bag~ Kiki’s Delivery Service Hot Topic
Jewelry~ •Amethyst Necklace May Martin Inc. • Cuff Target
Sunglasses~ Thrifted Buffalo Exchange
Lips~ Pivoine Sublime Rose Plum L’ Occitane en Provence
It’s Friday I’m in love!! Today I thought I would share with you my recent obsession- creating a whole look on top of my bed with every clothing item and accessory, beauty must have and baggy….just lots of fashion stuff. And it’s Friday sooooooo Fashion Friday post (haaaaa I love it when a plan comes together lol). So what I was trying to create with this look is a sunkissed all natural boho babe. Hope you like it. ☺️✌🏻️ Peace love and happiness to you all hope you had an amazing week. See you again soon.
Bra~ Sunnie push-up by Aerie
Underwear~bikini by Aerie
Bottoms~ High waisted shorts by Color Swatch
Outerwear~ Thrifted Leather boho vest
Shoes~ Lower East Side
Lips~ Honeymania Lip Balm by The Body Shop
Scent~ Rose Essence Body Mist by love & beauty Forever 21