Its Time

“6:00,” my alarm seems to wear this as a badge.  Flashing it to me repeatedly as if showing me it’s credibility that this truly is the time. “Curses,” I would yell.  The alarm just kept ringing, only getting louder each and every minute, “Today is the day isn’t it?” With one push of a button the shrill drumming that penetrated every cell in my body vibrating my senses to awaken in a panic suddenly stopped.  It was in that moment I realized how painstakingly quiet my life was.

It was usually in this moment my subconscious would tell me to talk to myself.  Reverberating every activity I was doing, about to do, and thinking about doing.  “So since I just finished cleaning the downstairs, should I clean the stairs, or should I just go get the groceries?”  How funny my voice sounds in the early morning air.  So thick, raspy, and full of yesterday, it felt as if something was holding on to it, choking me, and not letting me go.

“Grocery shopping would keep my mind busy till at least…” I glanced over at the clock, “Shit! It’s almost 8 already?”  Disappointment took a hold of me like a sudden falling sensation.  I took a deep breath to catch myself.  Only so much more time to spend alone, to spend reliving, rethinking every haunting moment.  My body is not mine anymore, “Its time.”

 

 

Sleepy Poetry

Somehow I always find you

Whether I am awake or asleep

You have burned your image in me

An ever growing want, burning need

To feel your skin, to taste your lips

To hear your sweet voice,

Such a sweet, sweet sorrow our love is.

So delicate and yet so strong

We defeat every reason to belong.

Cleaning the Clutter

First ever FRIDAY FASHION post

Though it is my first time ever really putting any effort into this, but I have always wanted to tell the fellow public, or rather the people of the blog world my thought, feeling, and new discovering of products and clothing items I have fallen in love with.

Wouldn’t necessarily say I have much lined up for today but I’m thinking someone, (hoping) will find this helpful and maybe entertaining.

Quite recently I have taken it upon myself to clean the ever-loving poo out of my room. With clothes scattered across my pink dish chair sitting in the corner, the old wooden desk chair sitting in front of my antique secretary, nothing in my room was being used exactly what it was meant to be used for.

I then realized my reasoning behind leaving a huge pile of clean clothes unhung was because of my lack of space in my closet.

The closet.  A dark a desolate black hole of everything from my childhood, I still even have my “My Size Barbie” hanging out in a corner lurking from underneath my tops.

Once gazed upon for a few minutes, I had come to the conclusion that I really need to get rid of some stuff.

And that is exactly what I did.

Big black trash bag filled with clothes I no longer had any use for, and quite frankly were just sucking the life out of my bedroom and even myself.  So henceforth I am bound and determined to keep my room spotless (or somewhat spotless), and even getting rid of all the tokens of my childhood and memories I was hording has made me feel, in a way, more mature and a sense of growth in my emotions has occurred.  I am now willing to let things go that I used to never want to.  To me that is a huge deal, even in a way symbolic, because in truth I really am holding a lot of things from my past still deep inside of myself.  Getting rid of the constant reminder of those things is a big therapy session for myself, and I am ready to make a new and happier, less cluttered life.

So CLEAN folks, and believe me when I say it will help the mind, body, and soul.  And even give you an excuse to maybe go and buy just a couple of things for yourself 😉

 

Well  I hope this FASHION FRIDAY was a little bit insightful (not necessarily how it will be in the future but I thought I would share my newest experience with you).  Peace and love to all of you, have a safe and wonderful weekend 🙂

MourningDoves7 >*<

Nail Biter

To some, growing out their nails to a decent, over the tip of the skin length, wouldn’t be much of a challenge nor even much of an accomplishment; however, in my instance it

You see from a nail biter’s perspective the moment when you finally give your gritty habit up is the moment you are no longer seen as such and are therefore never determined to be a nervous, over anxious, or a neurotic person.  And yet I still find myself carefully placing the strange new growths in my mouth feeling its firm push against my teeth.  Oh how they have been waiting to crunch on that dirty hard and overgrown piece of flesh.

There are reasons I felt that nail biting, in my instance, needed to come to a halt.  Firstly and probably in a way realistically is the health aspect of it all.  Underneath our nails, even if I were to keep it clean 24/7 with hand sanitizer and scrubbing them till the fleshy underside of them start to bleed, there will always be bacteria, viruses, and all sorts of yummy little creatures longing for a nice warm and damp place to raise a family, and ultimately take over my kingdom (to be put lightly).  I am a very sickly person any sort of cold or flu will knock me flat for a good few weeks.

Second option of returning my nails to a hearty length, well long nails look feminine.  I have had short nails for so long never really paid much attention to it till late, and it is quite silly that I should judge my own femininity upon the length and shape of my nails.  Girls with long nails always seem to touch things gently with careful concentration.  Something always seemed to be feminine about that, as opposed to me free-spirited non-caring way of grasping things quickly and swiping it up with no care in the world that my nails would be hatched off my some inanimate object.  Nails really shouldn’t define the way we see ourselves as a person but in my case they somewhat did.

It was in specific times of the year when I was off from school or just having a really good week I would notice that my nails would begin to grow.  And in beautiful form too, oh the excitement that would rush over my body, “Something new!!! I can finally look like I have a manicure, my fingers will look so good now!” But shortly after things in my life starting getting stressful, my nails slowly began to disappear again.  It was then I realized, I can judge my own state of mind, my own happiness by the length of my nails.

So It had been a little experiment of mine lately to see how long I could grow them out.  They have stayed long, a few have gone down but the majority are long and happy.  Something this small seemed to me like such an accomplishment, that in my own world aka My life, I am able to make a difference with myself, when in truth I had always believed I couldn’t make a difference at all. And it is in the difference that I realize the difference I make doesn’t necessarily have to be big, it can be small.  As long as I pour myself into it, believe in it, and truly really want it that’s all that matters no matter the size of change it makes.

Whether it’s to clean your room, fix the pot holes in your street, or to stop biting your nails, no accomplishment or change is too small as long as you believe in it, we should all value every moment and every positive moment that comes our way!

What Lovers Are For

It’s like a fire charging through the door

More hot than the endless summer nights can endure.

Painful progress its a disaster through and through

All this change within me and within you.

New hobbies are found and old habits will stay

No matter which way we go we’re together and I like it this way.

Growing up but never growing apart

Seeing which way to go and where to start.

Helping each other find ourselves together

Through thick and thin, through toil and weather.

Guardians of our souls, we are the ultimate lovers

Holding each other up and letting each other go.

We are the children who shine the lights under the covers

Making the shadows with our finger tips

Always joined at the hips. The greatest sidekick

That is what lovers are for, always and more.

 

The Only Year

We had an endless kind of summer that year. Daydreams were my passion, keeping me from doing anything productive and feeling the panic and sweat that comes with the coming fall and school year. I could occupy my mind with pretty much anything, the beautiful expensive leather strap up sandals every girl was wearing and which I desperately wanted but couldn’t afford, the beautiful bikini with the polka dots all in the favorite shades of pink, the beautiful boy that bagged my groceries every shopping Saturday whom I desperately wanted to touch especially his amazingly seemingly soft dimples on his beautifully shaven cheeks. Yet it was all too much for me, I wasn’t ready to be a senior, and this was my first year in a real school from Homeschooling.

Fear is the best description of what I usually would feel in a new situation, fear and anxiety my usual two best friends that kept me from talking to people I didn’t know over the telephone, going up to order food at even a fast food restaurant or going out by myself for that matter. I was always surrounded by either my parents or someone that I have known for a really long time. I loved sameness, if I had a choice to never change my routine I wouldn’t, but in all honesty I knew that change was inevitable and would only benefit me.

“Good morning world”, I wouldn’t say the first day of 12th grade. In fact waking up at 7 was way too early for me. “9 or 10 definitely more suitable for someone with creativity and someone with an artsy kind of mind”, would always be my excuse for laziness. I did sort of define myself as a creative, artsy kind of person. Always keeping a notebook slash journal with me wherever I went to jot down ideas or beautiful poems that I started daydreaming in my mind. In the real world I knew something like that wouldn’t have given me a life, my father kept reminding me of this as we drove to the school. Yet my mind didn’t hear him, all I could think about was the ever constant reminder that I was finally going to a real school, with real people, and real boys. My heart raced at the thought of seeing someone cute and finally creating a real fling with someone.

“Don’t daydream too often love you’ll never learn anything,” my mom would say in a jokingly matter knowing of course I was a top notch student who cared about nothing more then learning and making something of myself (as she thought), “And please don’t forget to breathe!” She knew my anxiety all too well, but so far I kept my feelings of nervousness at bay, I knew that it could indeed be a good day!

Driving up to the school I knew I thought that way too soon, with all the hustle and bustle of people of all shapes and sizes zooming to get to their classes on time I felt the scary urge to hyperventilate.

 

*Author’s Note* Since I was unable to really have any time to sit down and write a full on short story here is the best I could come up with the time that was given to me.  In a since this story is about me and my anxiety issues that I had in High School and still have to this day.  I might try to add more, but I find beauty sometimes in the unfinished the unknown of some of my characters I create.  Though I do like to see a finale and to see where they might go, sometimes things are just better left unsaid.  Hope you enjoyed my work.  Hopefully many more to come! Mourningdoves7 >*<

New Schedule Starting Tomorrow WHATUP!!!!

Dearest world and Lovers of the written word,

It has been a long and tiring journey to the place I am at.  Tossing and turning in my sleep thinking of way I could make my life better, and through it all I have come to this conclusion, I need to be more organized.  So I have decided that, starting tomorrow, every Tuesday I will publish a Poem (anything random that comes to my mind, a real inspired poem, or even something that I have discovered from my past), every Wednesday will be a short story (something that I struggle with but I really want to accomplish so that in my future I may in fact do this as a living), every Friday I will post something about fashion/beauty (I have a love for girly things, organic things, weird things, so be prepared for the awesome products I discover and even things that I may compile together in my interesting and strange head of mine), and final on Saturday will post random thoughts and feelings maybe a day of reflection.

So this is my idea to get myself use to working on a schedule, to be organized, and to actually get my brain going.

I can’t wait to share all my creativity and ideas with the rest of you and I thank you for those who have subscribed to me! It actually meant a lot and I promise to be more diligent in the future!!!

 

Anchors Away my boys!!!

Love and Happiness,

Mourningdoves7 >*<