New Year, New Me

Dearest Scariest New Year! With you comes the immense and troublesome college debt I have procured, I love how they know the right time to send it.  Happy, care free me spending my morning eating nothing but Skittles and Kettle Corn while watching The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers, feeling like I’m a million dollars with nothing to worry about and then…TA-DAH!!! You have to start paying off your loans! Happy New Year, Love your school who honestly cares about you *sarcastically smiling behind stacks of cash from other student victims*!

It’s not like I didn’t know this day would come, I knew there would be one day all that money I developed in loans would eventually have to be handed back, and I would be right to do so.  I believe it was the sudden stop to my childlike happiness, that maybe for a minute I had no responsibilities, that for a minute I wasn’t an adult.  Such a scary thing to be an adult.  I’ve never been one of those kids who wanted to grow up fast, as strange as that sounds.  When I was in Junior High I already felt old and didn’t want to go to High School.  It’s the innocence and naivety of being young that didn’t let me have any of the responsibilities nor the blame for any mistake that I made, and I loved that.  I never did anything bad, or get into very big trouble but I liked the idea of not being in charge of my life to the point that any mistake I made would have to be due to the fact I was very young and still experiencing life for the first time, one step at a time.

Now that I am almost 30, I feel weight of it all, everything I have avoided and everything that I have pretended not to care about even though I should have.  Such a profound experience for the first of the year, and I will not lie I’m frightened, money has always scared me.  Not making it, but being in trouble from it.  I’m not one to never not pay something back and the very idea of it makes me scared.

Though this has been quite a day for me in these last few moments, I knew that I couldn’t let something like this, that most certainly can’t be avoided, break me down and my happy-go-lucky spirit I have so long had in myself, that certain kind of innocence that I have built and maintained over these years.  The ability to love everything around me and every moment that I experience.  This is just something, another detour in the road that will build my character and make me a better person.  Everyone every once in a while has doubts in themselves and I know that today I did but I’m standing now for myself not going to let anything shake my character nor my love of life.  I can get through this…

Winter Flower

 

And that brings me to my “New Year’s Resolutions”

Firstly, I want to state that I NEVER make New Year’s Resolutions.  It always felt so over done by the media, and the very idea to me made everyone seem like hypocrites, expecting for them to change but they don’t yet getting upset at those who don’t change the same as them (personally speaking).  But this year inspired by my current circumstances, I want to start not really a “resolution” the idea isn’t necessarily for it to be fulfilled by the end of the year but more of a guideline for me to follow to build my character.  I first want to really instate the “Four Agreements” I read in the book “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz, I know that by doing it I really will improve myself and improve my relationships with those around me.

Secondly, I want to not worry so much over things that maybe I can’t fix or even things that can be fixed, Everything will be ok.

Thirdly, possibly exercise more, If  I take care of my body, my body will take care of me.  I want to be outside more, experience things I have never experienced before.

Spend more time creating more lasting memories with my boyfriend.  Almost 3 years (this April) and it feels so strange, at times its like we’ve been together forever like we were in constant motion throughout our entire lives just spending every moment, every breath, every happiness and pain together, even through time, our other lives. And other times it feels like the first time we met. I’ve never felt a love like the love I feel for me.  I want to cherish our relationship more, and not be so hard on him at times.

And finally, to write more.  I just started this blog not too long ago, many years in the pressure to make a blog and now that I finally have one.  I don’t want to stop.

Here is to a wonderful 2014, amazing more blog adventures, stories, and yummy readable goodies! I look forward to really making something of myself, maybe get myself published, and of course to fall more and more in love with my best friend and the best boyfriend I have ever had.

Happy NEW YEAR!!!! May love and happiness follow you always, and thanks for reading! 🙂 Input, opinions, and whatever you like is always welcome!

MourningDoves7 >*<

Winter Hope